Fear of Children

Misleading title aside, I fear for my students. I fear for my sanity dealing with them, of course, but what’s more is that I fear that they won’t survive what our society’s future holds. Simple things like talking to adults in a respectful manner, or learning how to turn off the F-bombs when it isn’t appropriate. Or, (this happened an hour ago), calling me fat during a discussion when all I do is support and encourage success. WHATEVER JERK! They can’t see the future. Shit, they can’t see that the decisions they make today might have something to do with tomorrow! All I can say is wow. It wasn’t this bad when I was a kid. (Warning: old man rant likely to follow). When I was in high school we didn’t have anything right away. If we wanted to find out something, we couldn’t pull out our smartphones and Google it. The library was the spot, and not just a room filled with books no one needs. No, the library was a place where the information was. Sure the internet existed, but not the way it does now. High school students now have what they want when they want it. Think about it, food is faster and easier to get (and worse for you). Info is everywhere and violence, drugs and hip-hop culture has saturated their mentality’s to the point that they don’t think they actually have to work. The natural conclusion is that if they play the game right, life is easy and they’ll be rich and English class isn’t necessary. Shit, the sheer volume of kids that say they have never, yes NEVER read a book is more than you could possibly imagine. So, yes, I am afraid. Afraid that when I’m older the generation that will be running the world will be lazy, stupid and the have the life goals of an ADHD 3rd grader. More than anything I am afraid that since I turned 32 last week, I’m just a old fucking man…

Dragon on the Ledge

6 Word Memoir

Black gamer still needing to write.

Dragon on the Ledge

1st choice

I hate when my wife is right sometimes. I wrote this simple little acrostic poem as an example for my students on the first day of school. Tomorrow! Anyway, I used my first name thinking that they would be using their first names too. She made a point I should use Mr. Carr since that’s how they know me. FINE! I couldn’t delete it so here it is…

Master of the unknown
Around the putting surface
Radical results are always
So interesting to see
Having to make the big shot
All eyes are on me
Lobbing a crisp 9-iron
Landing close. Victory is mine!

Dragon on the Ledge

Red Words

It’s funny how many times I’ve started with “It’s funny.” It almost makes it not funny. Almost. Anyway, I’m beyond tired but I don’t feel like sleeping. It feels like one of those days where you can’t help but be who you are but you’re not that stoked with what you’re seeing. How many times will my mouth get me in trouble? If only I could actually snag the words as they fly out of my mouth. As they escape the troublesome words, bad grammar and sentence fragments could be lit up in red and I could grab them and shove them back into the gaping hole that is my mouth. The older I get the worse my temper becomes. I always thought of myself as one of those fire signs that wasn’t fiery. At least not when it came to my temper. People used to ask my sign and actually be surprised I was an Aeires…wait, did that ever actually happen? Whatever. Nowadays I just seem to fly off the handle and good moods are few and far between. Thinking back to my early college days this makes sense because I didn’t have a fraction of the stress and responsibility I do now. I suppose that makes a difference. Whatever, I have to get up at 5:30AM so I should at least think about sleeping…

Dragon on the Ledge

The Day It Came Home

It’s funny to me how often I drag my bullshit around with me. I go day to day, stressed or not, and I am always dragging my junk, my clutter, by baggage from the past with me into the next moment. It affects more than I think; likely because I don’t think. I have been struggling for years with this. It comes with awareness of course. I am aware that I have this shit attached to my feet and instead of picking my feet up and squashing it, killing it, I pull fragments of it along with me so that when the moment is far from right, I flick a little bit from my toe and throw it into my right now. The worst is that it doesn’t always hit me; it usually hits someone close to me instead. What is my excuse? Why am I still making excuses? Because the trail behind me is thinning out, and I am accumulating more and more underfoot. So much so that I actually feel taller. So much so that I am muddying up everything I should be grateful for, everything I should be appreciating and everything I love. If I don’t start shaking some of it off, if I don’t start leaving it back there, I’ll be up to my waist in shit and really, who in their right mind can live that way? I, for one, am tired of it…

Dragon on the Ledge

Fog Bank

It’s damn cloudy up here today.
The upside is that the fog is clearing.
It was hardly noticeable at first but
after sitting too long in the mist,
only seeing a few feet ahead,
I think I can almost see the ocean again,
I can almost see the light again.
I can’t help but smile, twitching my claws
In anticipation for the next sunny day…

Dragon on the Ledge

Pikachu Grandma

My hair is standing on end the closer she is to me
I can see my arm hairs standing at attention
These little soldiers on my arm are just waiting for it
Waiting for the command, and the lightning to fly
Rosy cheeks seemingly innocent and tame but I know better
I know the potential. The build up is immense and the release…
Beyond mere shock. Past the subtly of the electric chair.
This release is pure energy. Barely imaginable power.
From such a frail frame the pink cheeks turn bright red,
The air feels charged and dust, hair, every molecule shudders,
stops and then…
The bolt hits me square, grabbing my cheeks,
messing my hair and filling me with pure, electric
Love.

Dragon on the Ledge

Feed the Fur

Was that the last day? What? When was the last time? Yesterday? Last night? Wait…what the hell happened last night anyway? You don’t know, can’t tell me so why do I even ask? Last time I did you told me this was the last time but I don’t get it. I can’t understand what you mean because this was the last time right? The last tear, the last focus on me moment right? Whatever, the last second I just saw was my ‘feed your head’ moment. The last time I voluntarily jump down the gods be damned rabbit hole. All I saw was fur anyway…

Dragon on the Ledge

Vacation Aftermath

“Back to the old grind” as my dad used to say. I had an absolutely amazing vacation and I plan on giving some reviews and details, as well as post some awesome pics in the next week or so. I feel like vacation takes at least four days to recoup from. I was relaxed, excited and tipsy for days and now that I’m back at work and back to the books, I can’t help but feel utterly exhausted. The sun down south was really what I needed. I love the heat and So Cal had it, especially last weekend. Those who know the central valley will probably scoff at this next remark but I really miss the 100 degree summer days sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I would never live there again, but wearing shorts for the first time in what feels like years, (I had to buy some just before I left because I guess I didn’t own any), and slipping on a tee shirt at 7AM was just awesome. My wife and I seemed to grow even closer, (I wasn’t sure that was possible but whatever), and for the first time I felt that I did everything I wanted to do during a vacation. Anyway, much more to come, but I need a long shower and a nap…

Dragon on the Ledge

Lighter is better…for me anyway…

The last time most of my people saw me I was roughly 180-184 pounds. At a hair under 5’7″ I could feel that it was about time to do something about it. Considering, as of this coming Tuesday I will be one year away from the big 3 oh. Trying not to think about that, my wife was also wanting to loose a couple pounds (although she already looked fabulous!) The long and the short of it is that we started to diet together, and implement our own work out routines. This all started the week before the Super Bowl. (Why do I remember this? Because I really wanted to drink like a fish that day and I wasn’t totally pumped to be on a ‘diet’ during one of my favorite drinking holidays.) Anyway, as of this morning I weigh 157 pounds! Looking down at my belly and love handles before, I never thought that I could ever lose almost 30 pounds period, let alone in such a short time. Needless to say my wife looks absolutely amazing and I’ve trimmed up, gotten in shape and feel great in my body for the first time since high school. Why did I decide to write this? It’s because I know that anything is possible if the mind is right, and the support is there. This is to mark this day as the day I will look back to, if I see the handles and the belly ever show their faces again. Self-back patting is now officially over:)

Dragon on the Ledge